Extras, Bits And Stuff
by Nyodrite
Summary: Basically, bloopers from my stories. [Each chapter title will have an abbreviation of which story it's from plus the chapter]
1. ATIA: Chapter 1

"...Hatake Kakashi." He answered after a moment where he decided that he could deal with this _later_. "Akiyo-san, I need you to see if there are other people here."

Moments after he spoke a giant puppet appeared, destroying a distant building as it did so. Akiyo regarded the destruction thoughtfully, "This one believes that the people which you seek are fleeing from the rampaging puppet."

Kakashi gave the Kuvasz a flat look, "Thanks for nothing, you useless fur ball."

_**:Beep:**_

"_Doton: Musaborikuu Tsuchi_!" The ground on either sides of Anrokuzan pulled apart, forming enormous jaws that clamped down on the puppet and tore into it's body with crushing force.

Naruto touched down on the archway beside him, "Awesome! Kakashi-sensei, where did you learn that!?"

"The last movie." He waved off.

The blond let out a noise of enlightenment, "The one with that creepy loner guy whom put a _spell_ on you?"

"It was a _curse_, and a puppet one at that." Kakashi corrected.

"Uh-huh." Naruto paused then asked, "Hey, what's up with the creators and puppets? And princesses slash damsels in distress?"

He shrugged, "Fond memories of blow up dolls? Maybe they want you to have a multinational harem for-"

"Kakashi! Naruto! Stop breaking the fourth wall!"

**_:Beep:_**

Anrokuzan was charging a second time when Sakura showed with a shouted "_Shannarō_!" and a chakra engulfed fist that sent the puppet crashing into the ground a second time.

Idly Kakashi wondered if he should look into having Sai and Tenzo getting themselves a verbal tic- Naruto had _dattebayo_, Sakura _shannarō_ or _cha_, Sasuke had that scoffing '_Tch_' he made while Kakashi had _Maa_ or _Saa_- before Sai was landing beside him with a "Kakashi-senpai".

"Yo, Sai, what are your thoughts on getting a verbal tic?" He queried.

The teen was silent a moment before, "...Why?"

"Aside from Tenzo, the rest of the team has one, or even two." Was his answer.

Sai nodded after a moment, "This is a form of team bonding, I shall endeavor to acquire a verbal tic of my own."

"Just get back to me before the chapter is done." Kakashi told him.

**_:Beep:_**

Sensei turned to Naruto, "The _Hiraishin_ kunai I gave you, do you have it?"

"Uh..." Naruto searched himself franticly before stopping with wide eyes, "No."

Sakura turned on her teammate, "You lost something that the _Yondaime_ gave you!? How!?"

"S-sakura-chan!" Naruto very nearly squeaked, dodging a chakra enforced punch. "It's not my fault! It's part of the plot!"

The kunoichi advanced, "And now you're breaking the fourth wall."

"...should we stop this?" Sensei muttered.

Kakashi shook his head, pulling out his book, "It's better to let them get it out of their systems or else the UST will be stifling."

"...UST..?" The man wanted to know.

He eyed the other, "Maybe when you're older."

**_:Beep:_**

Even as Kakashi's smaller self reached for, presumably, an Hiraishin kunai, Anrokuzan burst from the Ryūmyaku lake- regenerated, more powerful and in a charging attack with it's mouth gathering the Ryūmyaku's chakra.

It took seconds for him to see that no one was prepared nor would they be able to do anything in time and, with a mental apology towards his female student, he pulled up his head band and Sai turned to him, "You told me to speak to you before the end of the chapter, we have only two sentences left- one which is a single word- so I believe it prudent to speak now."

"What?" Kakashi sighed.

Sai answered immediately, "After discarding _sazo_, _no da_ and _no na_ I have decided to choose _tekigō_."

"You went from 'I'm sure', 'Isn't that right' and 'Definitely' to 'Conform'?" Naruto asked, incredulous.

Sakura hummed, "I think it is a good choice for him."

"Does this mean I need to get a verbal tic now?" Tenzo queried.

The teens looked at him, "Yes."

"_Next_ chapter though- I am in the middle of something right now." Kakashi interrupted when it seemed they were about to offer up ideas.

* * *

**A/N:**My mind goes odd places, that includes bloopers of stories. This _was_ on my profile but I didn't like it there as there would be a way to break them into parts by stories and chapters without it getting messy and tedious.


	2. FaH: Chapter 1

He was screaming, mask damp and slick from a mixture of blood and saliva he had coughed up, and he stopped screaming to tear off the mask while pulling a face, "That is _disgusting_."

"Kakashi!" Minato groaned, "You ruined the mood."

Kushina coughed, "Cock blocker."

"Kushina!"

Said woman ignored him, "Let's do it again people!"

_**:Beep:**_

He was screaming, mask damp and slick from a mixture of blood and saliva he had coughed up, and he stopped screaming to tear off the mask while pulling a face, "That is _disgusting_."

"Kakashi!" Minato groaned, "You ruined the mood."

**"Brat."** Kurama rumbled. **"You threw off the Hokage's mood."**

"_Really_?" Kakashi felt his disbelief was justified, "A **_Emperor's New__ Groove_** reference?"

**"It's a decent movie." **the fox defended.

Kushina muttered to herself, "_Not_ what I meant when I said lets do this again..."

**_:Beep:_**

Not when his lungs burned from too little air. Not when his throat tore itself trying to vocalize the pain he was in. Not when his heart could not decide if it wished to race or stall. Not when there was hair in his hands, damp with blood from when he ripped it out. Not when his blood boiled with a pain and rage and desperation that was foreign but far too familiar. Not when his body betrayed him and could no longer support him as he sobbed, screamed, bled and lay spasming in the dirt.

**"That last sentence makes it seem as if you had _very_ intense sex." **Kurama interrupted.

Kakashi grumbled in where he lay on the ground, "And now I have to do it over again."

"He's _bleeding_!" Minato felt the need to point out.

The fox shrugged, **"First time for anal penetration?"**

"You- you-" The blond sputtered, "You _pervert_! You're going to be a terrible influence on Kakashi!"

Kakashi muttered to Kushina, "He doesn't know that adult, canon, me reads porn in public and thus would end up as a pervert regardless of the Kyuubi's influence?"

"He refuses to read the manga until it's finished so he doesn't have to wait for the next release." Kushina shrugged, "And doesn't want to watch the anime until he reads the manga incase it messes with how he perceives it."

Minato was red as Kurama spoke, **"You know, the author _does_ like MinaKaka..."**

"No!" the Hokage shouted, "Not in this story- he's barely even gone through _puberty_! And I am married! With a child!"

The fox shrugged once more, **"That doesn't stop other authors."**

"Gah!"

**_:Beep:_**

Not when Sensei was shouting his name-

**"Mmm...kinky MinaKaka there." **Kurama interrupted. **"Though, I suppose it would be _KakaMina_."**

"Shut up!" Minato shouted. "It's _not_ happening!"

Kakashi blinked, "Should it bother me that Sensei is more worked up about this then me?"

"Nah," Kushina said, "Canonically, Minato has been in love with me since he was a kid- he's loyal, I doubt he would have 'cheated' on me by experimenting. You on the other hand are a perv canonically and probably into some kinky shit- I can see ANBU having bondage tendencies."

The teen nodded in reply, "Plus, if I found another lightning affinity shinobi or kunoichi that I trust, it could be _interesting_ seeing what kind of ways we can play with electricity."

"That makes me wonder if the Uchiha are into fire-play." She added idly.

**_:Beep:_**

Not when a kind of numbing darkness started to descend upon him- slowing his heart, quieting his screams, distancing his pain, calming his body...making Sensei _that_ much more desperate.

"Not a word." Minato growled out immediately.

Kurama adopted a mock-hurt tone, **"It's as if you don't trust me."**

"Keep it up and I will invent a way that makes _castration_ part of the seal." Minato threatened.

Kakashi could _hear_ the wince, **"Message received."**

* * *

**A/N:**Apparently Kurama off screen is a pervert whom likes teasing Minato, who would have thought?


	3. ES: Chapter 1

Kakashi allowed Naruto to have his moment as a hero, exactly fifteen minutes, before interrupting the partying by announcing, "You _do_ know that it's likely that we'll starve- at the very least we will be forced to ration food, right?"

"We'll be fine," Naruto waved off. "They wouldn't kill off the entire main cast- it's not a horror story after all."

Sai disagreed, "That's _canon_, in _this_ story we don't know if the author will have us starve or ration for the sake of realism or drama."

"That's stupid. Why get realism from a _fanfiction_?" Naruto snorted.

Sakura stated, "There will be no ramen."

"_Nooooooooooo_!" Naruto screamed.

Kakashi rubbed his ear, holding up a sign, **[Definitely would create drama.]**

"Where did that even come from?" Tenzo asked, fascinated.

**[Kamui.]**

The other blinked, "Really?"

**[No.]**

"The other people seemed to have vanished." Sai informed them.

Sakura looked up from where she had hit the screaming Naruto in an attempt to silence him, "When did that happen?"

**[While Sai was speaking.]**

She stared at the sign for a moment, "Why are you even using those?"

**[Naruto's screaming harmed my hearing.]**

"That makes no sense!" Sakura burst, "You can obviously understand what we're saying as you are replying and that wouldn't effect your speech anyways!"

**[Your point?]**

The teen advanced, fist raised threateningly.

_**:Beep:**_

"First thing- Sakura, are there any injured?" Kakashi asked, skillfully ignoring and overriding Naruto's arrival amid bickering with Sai.

Sakura, looking a bit worn and harried, answered immediately, "Yes, Katsuyu told me that Tsunade-shishō only concentrated on life-threatening injuries so she could conserve her chakra incase she came across more injured."

"What do you need?" he pressed.

Sai answered for her, "A better looking face?"

"Hair that doesn't stand out?" Hiashi added.

Tsume snorted, "Less perfume."

"A-"

Sakura, eye twitched, growled, "_Thank you_ but he was talking to _me_."

"I will be open to suggestions later." Kakashi supplied to the girl's irritation.

**_:Beep:_**

"Should we be referring to you as Hokage-sama?" Shikaku questioned, eying him shrewdly.

"No." Kakashi deadpanned, "That hat would do nothing for my girlish figure."

The Nara seemed to be at a loss of how to respond.

_**:Beep:**_

This time he _did_ sigh, "Worry about that later, we have work to do now. Tenrō, Ōkami," he addressed the Oinin and ANBU Commanders. "Set up an outer perimeter from twenty to thirty miles out, you guys will be our first line of defense for now- if any hostiles, deal with them how you judge is best."

"Yes, _Kāchan_." The ANBU Commander responded before the two left.

Kakashi twitched at the nickname he had earned in ANBU because apparently refusing to leave any teammate behind was the ANBU equivalent to 'Mother-Henning' and he, with the morals he had acquired by the time he went into the corps, was permanently dubbed 'Kāchan' by the time he was a captain.

"Kāchan?" Shibi mused.

"Shut _up_."

**_:Beep:_**

Hatake Sakumo took all of fifteen seconds to realize that he had been brought back from the dead, inside of his coffin and he cursed, "Really? I am _finally_ able to move on and be with my wife only to be dragged back to life? What the fuck?"

"You're suppose to dig your way out."

Sakumo's eyes narrowed at nothing, "_No_."

**_:Beep:_**

Nahora Rin woke up in darkness, hands stretching out franticly only to barely get anywhere as if she were in a box- horror hit her as she realized that it wasn't a box but, rather, a coffin that she was trapped in. Calming herself before she could panic, Rin quickly worked through the jutsu she knew- as she was already aware that she did not have the strength to dig herself out- only to realize with dismay that none of what she knew (which was a meager amount in the first place due to her medical specialization) would be of use in this situation.

"Am I really just a catalyst and plot device?" Rin grumbled. "The most important aspects of my life were getting kidnapped so Obito can change Kakashi's mindset, transplanting an _eye_, being protected, being kidnapped _again_ and committing suicide via Kakashi so that Obito could go crazy and become the 'Big Bad'. I probably could have gone through canon without getting a _name_!"

**_:Beep:_**

Namikaze Minato, as soon as he realized that he was trapped, attempted to use one of his Hiraishin kunai to simply teleport out, and found himself appearing _very_ close to he grown up former student whom was standing beside his son. "Kakashi? Naruto?"

"Aren't you suppose to be digging your way out of your grave?" Kakashi blinked at the former Hokage.

The man shrugged, "Apparently there's an active _Hiraishin_ kunai here."

"Oh!" Naruto exclaimed, "I found the one you gave me in _All That I Am_."

"Fourth wall!"

* * *

**A/N: **Sakumo cursing and Kakashi's girlish figure. Yeah...


	4. IaWL: Chapter 1

His wife, furious and fearful and as beautiful as the day they met, snarled, "You _are_ helping the village! You help it with each mission you take! You don't need to become a faceless shadow!"

"But I can do so _better_ as an ANBU." He reasoned.

And fear seamed to take precedence as tears filled her blue eyes, "You _can't_, the ANBU members who survive never come back whole. _Please._ I- I'm pregnant and I- I can't lose you."

"...when did this degenerate into a bad soap opera?" Sakumo asked.

Kaori hit him, "Now we have to do it _again_."

_**::Beep::**_

As soon he returned home he dropped to his knees and hugged his wife, "...I said no."

"Damn right you did." Kaori stated flatly, "If you _didn't_ then you would have had no right to claim to be a man."

Sakumo let her go and stepped back.

**_::Beep::_**

"It's a boy!" Sakumo shouted, barging through the doors and into a meeting.

"Hatake-san!" One of the room's occupants tried to reprimand.

Sakumo ignored it, his enthusiasm undeterred by the range of expressions- disinterested, scandalized, curious, startled, bored and everything in between- as he repeated, "It's a _boy_! I'm a _father_!"

Tsunade was the first to catch on, "Your kid was born?"

"No." He retorted sarcastically, "My ninken gave birth."

Orochimaru murmured to Jiraiya, "Does he know that he insinuated that he took part in a bestiality relationship that somehow lead to children?"

"...I always _knew_ there was something off about the Hatake..." Jiraiya muttered.

**_::Beep::_**

"What's his name!?" Jiraiya called.

Sakumo stared blankly for a second, "I-...I _don't know_!" he nearly wailed before scrambling to search his pockets.

"...what are you doing?" The Toad Sage asked after a moment.

The Hatake ignored her, making a triumphant noise as he pulled out a large roll of papers which he immediately started reading through, "Aha! His name is _Kakashi_!"

"Is- is that your _script_!?"

Sakumo gave a shifty look, "..No!"

**_::Beep::_**

Orochimaru scoffed, "If being a father means turning into _that_, then I'm staying single."

"Yeah," Kushina muttered, "_That's_ why."

The Sannin glared at her, "Are you insinuating something, Uzumaki?"

"Damn right I am." She retorted, matching his glare. "You are a fugly creep and _that's_ why you'll stay single- _dattebane_!"

* * *

**A/N: **Sakumo's wife is violent and Orochimaru is, according to Kushina, a "fugly creep".


	5. HOWAH: Chapter 1

Looking back on everything, Namikaze Minato would say that everything started April 24 when ANBU Squad 13 returned from their mission in Mizu no Kuni.

The nineteen year old had been filthy- covered in dried mud and blood- and injured- uniform sporting rips, leaning slightly to keep some weight off the right leg with a bandage that was slowly turning red from blood peeking though one of the uniform's holes at the torso- but in that moment, when the young ANBU captain's eyes shined with pride for his team and triumph for them completing one of the most difficult missions they'd ever been assigned, Minato couldn't believe the teen could have been anymore breathtakingly beautiful.

Kakashi snorted, "You have the weirdest fetish."

"Oi." Minato defended, "_Yours_ is me naked save for my Hokage haori."

The teen hit him, "The author hasn't published that yet."

"Shame." The blond purred, "Unrepentant PWP is the best."

Kakashi eyed him, "I think you have a split personality- earlier in this story you wouldn't hear about MinaKaka, now you're pleased."

"They are stand alones unless from the same story." Minato waved him off.

**_::Beep::_**

The door was tugged open with a bit more force then necessary to reveal Kakashi (dressed in his odd mask-undershirts along with pants that hung low on his hips) looking a bit haggard and glaring sleepily.

Minato blinked because he had never quite seen bed-hair like the teen's before.

Kakashi growled, sharp and irritated and leaking just the slightest bit of killing intent, "_What_?"

"...I have never seen bed-hair like that before." Minato blurted out.

The teen slammed the door shut.

**_::Beep::_**

"I, uh..." Minato shifted nervously, fingering his present as he suddenly realized that it might not be appreciated then also realizing it was too late to chicken out now and hurriedly shoved the present into the other's arms before he lost his nerve, "_Gotyousomething._"

There was a moment where the ANBU inspected the gift before blinking at him, "...why?"

"It's in the script?" He offered.

Kakashi gave him a bland look, "My, what a romantic."

**_::Beep::_**

"Being dubbed a genius, Sensei," Kakashi said suddenly.

He had started enough to be forced to scramble to catch his work before they fell letting out a half pleased, half annoyed, "Kakashi!"

**"...MinaKaka..."**

"Get out- you're not in this story!" Minato growled at the fox.

**_::Beep::_**

"I had hoped-" The ANBU continued without pause, "-that you would think to utilize the _Kage Bunshin_ to finish the paperwork- Kushina-nēchan and I even started a betting pool about when you would realize you could use them to save time."

The Yondaime eyed him, "How much did you have down that I would figure it out _today_?"

"8,000,000,000 ryō." Kakashi answered, continuing when the blond merely stared, "It's as if they forgot that we are _shinobi_ and we _cheat_."

Minato allowed that, it _was_ a chūnin requirement after all, still- "...I want half."

**_::Beep::_**

"...Minato-sensei?" The teen tried after blinking in confusion.

"Just Minato." He said because the thought of being called that during what he had planned...

Kakashi frowned, "Why can't I use Sensei? It's not like people don't have 'Sensei' kink _anyways_- how many student-teacher relationship stories are in this fandom alone?"

"Fair enough." He shrugged, "But I still want you to use my name- I am not the only one you call 'Sensei' after all."

**_::Beep::_**

Setting off the apartment building's fire alarm had not been part of that plan but it happened when the pan he had been using to cook eggs caught fire- he was still trying to put it out when Kakashi appeared.

"S-...Minato? What are you doing here?" The teen questioned, peering at his pan with an odd expression.

Minato, whom had frozen at the ANBU's voice, answered hesitantly, "...Making breakfast."

A beat of silence, then-

"Are you English?"

**_::Beep::_**

He complied as Kakashi fiddled with the alarm until he spoke, voice echoing through out the building, "Cooking Hazard Fa5 in Communal Kitchen 3. Situation under control. Resident 152 giving the all clear."

"Cooking Hazard Fa5?" He asked, honestly bewildered that the apartment building had a _code designation_ for such an incident.

"Walk on water, tame elements and destroy mountains is easy." Kakashi said blandly, "Cooking a decent meal _without_ supervision is not a skill of a shinobi."

**_::Beep::_**

Then, apparently deciding he had allowed Minato to get away with it long enough, Kakashi raised an eyebrow, "_Why _were you making breakfast?"

"...because I wanted to have breakfast with you?" Minato asked more then said.

The teen shook his head and said, "Now say it like you mean it."

* * *

**A/N:**Shinobi cannot cook, Kakashi is a cheating gambler and Minato's "other half" is a pervert.


	6. BtR: Chapter 1

Kakashi couldn't truly say if he had ever felt so exhausted as he did _now_ with his vision blurry, brain sluggish, hearing fractured to the point that what was spoken held no meaning to him and his body entirely uncooperative. His chakra was practically nonexistent but, then, it was something he had grown accustomed to over his twenty-something years as an active shinobi with a transplanted Sharingan.

_Really_, He thought, _there should be better ways to deal with it- I wonder how Danzō deals with the drain?_

**_::Beep::_**

He was slightly more coherent the second time he woke, a feeding tube _(nipple)_ in his mouth and arms hugging _(cradling) _him. His face contorted, he had always hated feeding tubes since they wouldn't let him wear his mask, and his hand came up to pull it from his body with irritation.

_Hospitals are evil things_, He decided.

**_::Beep::_**

He could almost believe he was viewing a memory of his fourth birthday/congratulations-on-entering-the-Academy party when his father turned towards him with a smile, "Come on Kama, open your presents with Kakashi."

And he was hit by a sudden _surge_ of memories that made it _click_-

"Fuck. I have to go through puberty _again_." And then a second thought hit him, "I do not get paid enough for this shit."

* * *

**A/N:**Really only the last stuck with me but I couldn't have jus _one_ blooper for a chapter, can I?


End file.
